BUILDING A ROOF - BY THE NUMBERS

In the mid 80s, I built an addition on my house. As much a solution to a space problem as a response to a primitive driving force (man must build), and with the assistance of my kids, wife and other family and friends, it came to be and we enjoyed living in it.

Over the years however, things happened to make me want to make significant changes. The section of the roof that was flat never took on the upper deck I envisioned. Instead, it became a continual maintenance effort. The other section of roof with the large roof windows began to break down too as one by one, the insulating vacuum between the double panes of glass failed. And it was not soon after that that rain water began to leak into the roof.

So it was time to do some more building.

Last summer, an assemblage of my children, family and friends took on the main section, replacing the flat roof with a 4 in 12 pitched, trussed roof, in 2 days. Sure it took another 6 months to complete the interior, but the main effort was completed in an efficiency driven weekend.

This year, I didn't want to trouble others so I took on the smaller section myself - and I completed the exterior deconstruction, redesign and construction in 4 1/2 days. Educated as a mathematician, and often prone to counting things as a form of "entertainment" (alright, it might be a little OCD too), I offer you the following summary of my effort.

23 - (estimated) number of times my head glanced the incoming electrical lines

0 - number of times I died by electrocution (ahh! the magic of insulation)

1 - number of mosquitos killed while extracting blood from me

3 - mosquitoes that got away with a free meal

1 - time I walked into a temporary support structure that I installed - not surprisingly, this number corresponds with the number of bloody gashes in my forehead

17 - approximate number of minor new holes, cuts and slits I put in my hands and arms

1 - number of times a branch of the friendly hemlock tree blindsided me and whipped across my eyeball

1 - number of 82 pound packs of shingles that I carried up, unopened, on a ladder to the roof, before I changed my strategy

3 - number of times I said "holy shit" as I carried the bundle of shingles

1 - extra trip to Lowes needed (for more roofing nails)

36 - total number of hours spent in 4.5 days, working on this phase of the project

2 - number of guests appearances made by helper bees to assist in small but critical ways (Sharon, Sue)

10 - number of RITALIN I should have taken to keep me focused and to avoid errors due to mental distraction, fatigue, whatever

1 - number of RITALIN actually consumed

5 - number of errors I corrected or talked myself out of

1 - number of problems I said, "fuck it" to

16 - combination of ibuprophen, aspirin and naproxin consumed to stave off tooth pain during the project

1 - number of root canals I had on the monday following the project completion

0 - number of times I banged my thumb with the hammer (hey, this was not a 3 stooges episode)

2 - number of times I did yell out due to something physically bad happening to me

5 - (at least) number of totally gruesome things I visualized, which involved self maiming and/or trips to the emergency room - but avoided through good technique but also because of the awareness raised by my visualizations

10 - number of fingers still remaining at the end of the project in spite of the amount of sawing performed

1 - number of supernatural, time slowing, ninja-type moments I experienced as I moved my head faster than the high speed nail that shot toward my face when I mishit it

3 - number of times a nail in a board at the wood supply area snagged and ripped my jeans before I took my hammer and smashed the ever living shit out of it.

1 - pair of jeans tossed in the trash at the end of the work

I know at this point, you're expecting something like... "satisfaction at the end... priceless", but actually, I'm just tired and cranky and trying to recenter myself, so I can finish up all the little nit-wit stuff (and inside work) that is necessary to complete the project.

THE DEVILS AMONG US (Pt. 1)

Some say the devil does not exist, but I spoke to him today. His phone number is 1-800-837-4966.

After a requisite number of options that didn't apply, I was able to press "0" to speak with an account representative. Yes, it was a woman that answered, but don't be fooled, it was the devil's spokesperson.

Why did I call Verizon today ? Because as is their game, they slipped an extra fee onto my bill. This time it was a $22/month charge for movie channels - channels that according to the original person I spoke with in June, were "thrown in for free for new customers as a sort of welcome to FIOS gift". And when I asked him, "Am I making any commitment ?", the voice said, "No. Not at all. Near the end of the 3 months, you'll receive an e-mail asking if you would like to continue ..."

When the 3 month period ended and no e-mail, paper mail, phone call or night dream occurred - and I still had the movies (including the "Michael Clayton" Channel, the "Casino" Channel and several others that seemed to play the same movies over and over and over) - I thought something was up. Sure enough, Verizon took it upon themselves to make my decision for me. 

Oh, they were so nice to offer to remove the movies and credit my account all the while insinuating it was my mistake, and putting me on hold (like Iwas buying a car). So pleasant and courteous to me - but isn't that exactly how the devil operates ?

And then they one-upped Lucifer by putting me through a series of additional come-ons for security products, insurance products, game rentals, movie options, etc... all they needed was for me to accept the offers by telling them my e-mail address.  Additional offers that were "free to try", and if I liked them blah, blah, blah...

No thank you ! Slimedogs !

THE TREATS OF SAN FRANCISCO - Act 1

a Quinn Martin production....

Perhaps you are too young to understand the reference to the tv series from the 70s, starring Karl Malden and Michael Douglas. But if you do, consider this adventure in the same vein - except we are chasing pastries instead of perps (and no guns, disco music nor Ford Galaxy 500s are involved)

1. the unnamed bundle from Chinatown

Without speaking (English, anyway), the woman behind the counter pointed to this one... I figured it was the one that contained food, not heroin.

One of my favorite chinese desserts is sticky rice and mango. So when I saw this thing described as sticky rice and sweet bean paste at the chinese pastry shop on Thursday night, I said let's give it a go.

Bad idea.

Wrapped like a Mexican tamale and stuffed with red bean paste that actually tasted sweet by comparison, it was a failure. First off, the term "sticky" falls way short. In fact, "glutenous" would also fall short in describing the play-dough meets wall paper paste meets elmer's glue, texture of this alien animal. And although the rice was the color of butterscotch it was neither sweet, salted, nor spiced in any way. ...and I expected it to taste sweet with coconut milk?? What was I thinking !?

Accompanying it was a second gem I bought (not pictured) - a "sweet cream bun". Think dinner roll, cut open and stuffed with whipped cream (kind-of doughnut cream, kind of whipped cream) and topped with coconut - more for the purpose of making a mess than adding to the experience in any positive way. It made for an odd kind of "treat".

2. The apple pastry from Stella Pastry and Cafe.

Friday morning started with a trip up Columbus avenue to the Stella Pastry and Cafe shop. Stella is the real deal - one of a handful of top quality italian bakeries in the North Beach neighborhood. (and back home we have so few, as in ZERO.... zilch, nada !)

Your eyes go crazy when you walk in. So many good looking treats to try that I have plans to return to Stella more times than I have days remaining on this visit - a problem only I could invent.

Sweet, light flakey pastry wrapped around apples and a few currants ! Two Espressos as an accompaniment. Belissimo !

3. Smoked salmon sandwich

OK, technically not a treat, but fresh from my sugar and caffeine rush at Stella, I needed a little salty protein contrast. And the combination of a brief walk between shops and the stimulating smells and visual aids in Café Roma were enough to stir up my appetite.

Quality cured salmon with the flavor of clean ocean on a house made ciabatta roll with a good balance of sweet cream cheese, cucumber and capers. $3.75

4. Mara's Italian Bakery's Raspberry Pastry

After the salmon sandwich, I need something sweet in my mouth again. (You're right, this could be an infinite loop of sweet > savory > sweet > ....)

Puff pastry layered with a concentrated raspberry filling, sweet crumbs, twisted and coated with a glaze of confectioners icing. A classic pastry combining tangy raspberry with sweetness and a crunchy dough. Excellent! And now, I am full.

Now batting 3 for 5 after and 0 for 2 start.