FINDING NATURE IN MY ORANGE -or- THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GOES IN MY MOUTH

Oh Clementine, my little girl

Flown to me from around the world

Loosely robed in an orange skin

That shrouds the worms that lie within

Clementine oranges - such as the one pictured here - are on SALE this week at GIANT supermarkets for $4.99 a box. Your actual results may differ from mine and I do not guarantee that you will be as lucky as me in winning the worm lottery. And to be fair, I guess I should disclose that the other 9 segments of this clementine were worm free (at least at a visible level). But not real sweet.


Mothers, please act accordingly and responsibly when you pack these little treasures in your children's lunches(*).

(*) Maybe I digress, but is there a mother out there - anywhere - still making a lunch for her child to take to school?

PREVIEWING CHRISTMAS DINNER - #1 Boeuf Bourguignon

IF you saw the movie, "Julie & Julia", you will recognize this dish immediately. It is one of the quintessential dishes of classic French cuisine and central to the movie.

And if you haven't seen the movie or don't know what boeuf bourguignon is, it is a combination of bacon, red wine, aromatic vegetables and flavorful beef which after hours of braising, becomes fork tender and sweet from caramelized vegetable sugars. It is rich, cozy and satisfying.

After we saw the movie this summer, we decided to make it a central point to the Christmas Dinner buffet. The recipe will be from Julia Child's "Mastering The Art of French Cooking".  I have included a link below in case you want to give it a try yourself.

Julia's Boeuf Bourguignon

INSTALLING SOME DRYWALL - Me And The Deadmen

For everything we try to accomplish, there is a probability for success and a probability for failure. The problem I was having today was that no matter how much I considered the challenge of installing a few pieces of drywall on the ceiling, and no matter how long I developed my strategy, I could not improve my perceived odds beyond a 30% chance of catastrophic failure - a failure in which the 4 x 8 sheet of drywall would come hurtling to the ground in pieces. Like the Hindenberg... as in, "Oh !  The Humanity !!!!".

But I am happy to say that today, I succeeded. Don't know about tomorrow but here were the steps of the journey:

STEP 1. After measuring the length of the ceiling and the cutout needed for the roof window, and orienting to the spatial challenge of cutting on the floor opposite to and at right angle to the ceiling, do it 5 more times before cutting to get it to work out the same way twice in a row (turns out I am bad at this). But, finally, convinced it is right, cut the drywall and attach the spine you designed (to give it strength when it is picked up).



2. Set up the supporting cast of chairs and ladders, along with a ledger board at one end of the ceiling that will support the end of the drywall as it is being raised up.

3. Pick up the drywall, turn it over and lift it onto a few cow chairs.

4. Say a prayer, have good thoughts in your head and slide, drag, carry and coerce the board over so that it is under the section of ceiling where it will be installed.

4a (not pictured) When you realize that you have the wrong end toward the wall, spin the flippin' thing 180˚ with all the grace of the hippos in Fantasia - because it isn't too stable you know and you have to use your head (physically) to balance it. But, eventually, you get it done.

5. Somehow, lift one end up and rest it on the ledger board, just below the ceiling. Then after holding it up and moving the ladder over with your feet, rest it momentarily as you reach down for the deadman and - hoping you measured its required length adequately, lift the board with one hand and prop the deadman to the spine, pushing it the remainder of the way to the ceiling.

5a. (not pictured) Pause and allow your arms to recover, drain some lactic acid, regain their strength.

6. From the middle, press the board against the joists and begin installing the 1 1/4" drywall screws at the spots you measured and X'd out. Thank Bob Villa and Norm Abrams that the X's line up to the joists. Continue screwing until you feel the board is fully supported.

7. Release the spine from the board, remove it and install all remaining screws.

8. Step back, admire your work and treat yourself to a caramel macchiato at Starbucks, knowing that next time, you'll remember to orient the board properly before lifting it.

Post script:  In my opinion, this is crazy to do by yourself. But somewhere between liking the challenge, not wanting to trouble my friends, and deciding it didn't make sense to rent a lifter for a few sheets, I decided to go for it. Two of the keys to the success were pre measuring and marking the spots where the drywall screws go AND marking middle lines on the board and the ceiling so you can easily see that you are placing the first board in the right spot.

Tomorrow, we'll try to duplicate the results with sheets #2, 3 and 4. Wish me luck !

BUILDING A ROOF - BY THE NUMBERS

In the mid 80s, I built an addition on my house. As much a solution to a space problem as a response to a primitive driving force (man must build), and with the assistance of my kids, wife and other family and friends, it came to be and we enjoyed living in it.

Over the years however, things happened to make me want to make significant changes. The section of the roof that was flat never took on the upper deck I envisioned. Instead, it became a continual maintenance effort. The other section of roof with the large roof windows began to break down too as one by one, the insulating vacuum between the double panes of glass failed. And it was not soon after that that rain water began to leak into the roof.

So it was time to do some more building.

Last summer, an assemblage of my children, family and friends took on the main section, replacing the flat roof with a 4 in 12 pitched, trussed roof, in 2 days. Sure it took another 6 months to complete the interior, but the main effort was completed in an efficiency driven weekend.

This year, I didn't want to trouble others so I took on the smaller section myself - and I completed the exterior deconstruction, redesign and construction in 4 1/2 days. Educated as a mathematician, and often prone to counting things as a form of "entertainment" (alright, it might be a little OCD too), I offer you the following summary of my effort.

23 - (estimated) number of times my head glanced the incoming electrical lines

0 - number of times I died by electrocution (ahh! the magic of insulation)

1 - number of mosquitos killed while extracting blood from me

3 - mosquitoes that got away with a free meal

1 - time I walked into a temporary support structure that I installed - not surprisingly, this number corresponds with the number of bloody gashes in my forehead

17 - approximate number of minor new holes, cuts and slits I put in my hands and arms

1 - number of times a branch of the friendly hemlock tree blindsided me and whipped across my eyeball

1 - number of 82 pound packs of shingles that I carried up, unopened, on a ladder to the roof, before I changed my strategy

3 - number of times I said "holy shit" as I carried the bundle of shingles

1 - extra trip to Lowes needed (for more roofing nails)

36 - total number of hours spent in 4.5 days, working on this phase of the project

2 - number of guests appearances made by helper bees to assist in small but critical ways (Sharon, Sue)

10 - number of RITALIN I should have taken to keep me focused and to avoid errors due to mental distraction, fatigue, whatever

1 - number of RITALIN actually consumed

5 - number of errors I corrected or talked myself out of

1 - number of problems I said, "fuck it" to

16 - combination of ibuprophen, aspirin and naproxin consumed to stave off tooth pain during the project

1 - number of root canals I had on the monday following the project completion

0 - number of times I banged my thumb with the hammer (hey, this was not a 3 stooges episode)

2 - number of times I did yell out due to something physically bad happening to me

5 - (at least) number of totally gruesome things I visualized, which involved self maiming and/or trips to the emergency room - but avoided through good technique but also because of the awareness raised by my visualizations

10 - number of fingers still remaining at the end of the project in spite of the amount of sawing performed

1 - number of supernatural, time slowing, ninja-type moments I experienced as I moved my head faster than the high speed nail that shot toward my face when I mishit it

3 - number of times a nail in a board at the wood supply area snagged and ripped my jeans before I took my hammer and smashed the ever living shit out of it.

1 - pair of jeans tossed in the trash at the end of the work

I know at this point, you're expecting something like... "satisfaction at the end... priceless", but actually, I'm just tired and cranky and trying to recenter myself, so I can finish up all the little nit-wit stuff (and inside work) that is necessary to complete the project.

THE DEVILS AMONG US (Pt. 1)

Some say the devil does not exist, but I spoke to him today. His phone number is 1-800-837-4966.

After a requisite number of options that didn't apply, I was able to press "0" to speak with an account representative. Yes, it was a woman that answered, but don't be fooled, it was the devil's spokesperson.

Why did I call Verizon today ? Because as is their game, they slipped an extra fee onto my bill. This time it was a $22/month charge for movie channels - channels that according to the original person I spoke with in June, were "thrown in for free for new customers as a sort of welcome to FIOS gift". And when I asked him, "Am I making any commitment ?", the voice said, "No. Not at all. Near the end of the 3 months, you'll receive an e-mail asking if you would like to continue ..."

When the 3 month period ended and no e-mail, paper mail, phone call or night dream occurred - and I still had the movies (including the "Michael Clayton" Channel, the "Casino" Channel and several others that seemed to play the same movies over and over and over) - I thought something was up. Sure enough, Verizon took it upon themselves to make my decision for me. 

Oh, they were so nice to offer to remove the movies and credit my account all the while insinuating it was my mistake, and putting me on hold (like Iwas buying a car). So pleasant and courteous to me - but isn't that exactly how the devil operates ?

And then they one-upped Lucifer by putting me through a series of additional come-ons for security products, insurance products, game rentals, movie options, etc... all they needed was for me to accept the offers by telling them my e-mail address.  Additional offers that were "free to try", and if I liked them blah, blah, blah...

No thank you ! Slimedogs !